I have feelings that are to the right, and I have feelings that land on the left side of the aisle. The thing is if you have 10 views that land you on the left side of the aisle and two views that land you on the right side of the aisle, then people just put you on the right side of the aisle. I’m not sure why.
My first car was a motorcycle.
I don’t think healthcare’s a right. The only right you have is the ability to go out on an even playing field and work, and then purchase health insurance, or whatever it is.
I like my parents but they are just not good parents. They are nice enough people. I’m not interested in hurting their feelings.
The very definition of ‘beauty’ is outside.
I want to work for myself, and I do work for myself. I make plenty of money working for myself.
My mom was on welfare and the occasional food stamp, but I have never participated in any of those governmental programs, even the ones that kind of work like education, scholarships and whatever, and I managed to do just fine.
I’m not sexist, I’m just a realist.
Everyone in Hollywood thinks like a Republican fiscally by leaving town to shoot everything; they just don’t vote that way.
If in 1989 I said, ‘I have an idea: Bottle water and sell it. And charge more than a beer,’ they would have chased me around with a giant butterfly net. The same with paying to watch a television station.
If you’ve driven over to the gay section of Los Angeles, it’s like a golf course… Real estate values go ‘boom!’
I cook a little bit. I make a Hungarian dish called chicken paprikash that’s out of this world. I’ll give a heads-up to all of your readers that it doesn’t have to be between Thai and Mexican every night. Toss some Hungarian in every once in a while. You will not be sorry. Good, solid peasant food.
Millions of guys play millions of basketball games every day of the week at the playground or the YMCA. But LeBron James gets $20 million a year because he can jam on all of those guys. We’re always going to want to see LeBron and Kobe go at it.
Rich people don’t pay taxes? Of course they pay taxes – they pay tons in taxes. They pay for everyone else who doesn’t pay taxes.
I am not a good cue card reader.
I don’t normally vote. I’m lazy and I never bought into the ‘Every vote counts.’
If women built the bridges or were meant to build the bridges, then they would have done it.
When you’re picking a basketball team, you’ll take the brother over the guy with the yarmulke. Why? Because you’re playing the odds.
I don’t know that I appreciate things more because of how I grew up, but I am very realistic with what I expect out of people and what they expect out of me.
If Joy Behar or Sherri Shepherd was a dude, they’d be off TV. They’re not funny enough for dudes. What if Roseanne Barr was a dude? Think we’d know who she was?
I don’t have anything against my mom, but my family has no emotional connection to each other.
I’m not comically oriented. I get angry and I start complaining and then people start laughing. I don’t even want them to laugh half the time.
The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks. If my daughter has a mediocre sense of humor, I’m just gonna tell her, ‘Be a staff writer for a sitcom. Because they’ll have to hire you, they can’t really fire you, and you don’t have to produce that much. It’ll be awesome.’
I guess my feeling is is that if you’re going to make a joke, that’s fine, but you should also sort of stand behind it, you know? A joke should be more than a joke, it should be a point that you’re trying to make.
I’ve never really broken this down before, but, in movies, you almost have no connection to fans. And if you do TV, you’re kind of connected, but they know you as the TV name not your real name. If you do radio, there’s more of a bond there. And then if you do a podcast it’s like you’re literally inside of your fans.
Honestly, I’ve always had difficulty relaxing, unwinding and going to bed – that kind of stuff.
If the media isn’t slanted toward the Left, why is everyone so worried about my affiliation with Glenn Beck but not with Alec Baldwin?
I was a horrible student.
I think we’re getting to the point where everyone’s getting fat and everyone’s getting allergic, or claims to be allergic to something and people can’t walk from their front door to their car without a bottle of water in their hand because they have to hydrate every three and half steps.
I get depressed at airports.
If you’re conservative in Hollywood, you’re on a list of people who need to be put in their place.
The reason I hate publicists is because I think if we got rid of them everything would be on equal footing.
When you have kids, you instantly feel that you do not want to do them wrong. Those dads that go off to Florida and start a new life, I couldn’t imagine that: seeing my kid once every Christmas, every three years. If I’m gone for six days it feels like too much.
I don’t have any ill will or ill thought towards anybody.
It’s funny when you’re a kid how you can acclimate to almost anything.
I think if you create something and you get an audience for it, then the monetization part is really secondary.
Maybe I’m delusional but I’m usually funny. It’s not 100% but I have a pretty good batting average.
In my early 20s I was so miserable doing construction, I wanted something that paid money. I liked nice stuff. I liked cars and architecture, and things that cost money. I wanted to not swing a hammer, and make money… and not do stuff that was dirty. I attempted to get into comedy. I started to do stand-up, but I wasn’t very good at it.
Whoever is for higher taxes, feel free to pay higher taxes.
People look at me, and they go, ‘You’re white, you’re smart, you must have went to college. You must have grown up with money.’
I used to be a Democrat, now I’m basically a Republican.
I’m a doofus from the Valley, a blue-collar guy.
I have no connection with Hollywood. I’m not interested. I don’t care.
I think people have a strong desire to push me and others into some sort of political box that they can wrap their minds around.
I have a daughter who I love very much, I hire women, I’ve worked with women, I’ve never had an issue with women.
You don’t cruise the Internet looking for your name and walk away with a good feeling. So, I never do it.
I didn’t have any success in show business until I was 30 to 31 years of age.
A lot of guys and people in our society think that chicks just love dudes with money. Chicks love dudes who are successful who happen to have money – do you know what I mean? Chicks are attracted to dudes that are doing their own thing.
I don’t burn any calories trying to be masculine; I just happen to be from that world.
I’m a comedian, not a politician.
I’ve always boxed, I always taught boxing.
People are stupid. There’s a lot of dumb stuff that’s successful.
You don’t realize how much you use your credit card not even to buy things. It’s a card you get so you can navigate society.
I’d never hurt another person.
No, I had not read any other comedian’s book. Not that I don’t enjoy other comedians; I’m just not a reader.
You should feel good about yourself because of your accomplishments. Not because somebody yelled at you to feel good about yourself.
I mean, we sit around and we go, you know, ‘Torture doesn’t work.’ Well, it’s been around for 5,000 years. Most stuff that doesn’t work goes the way of the dodo pretty quick, like waterbeds and 8-tracks and things like that.
I like the freedom of podcasting. With podcasting you can really mess around with the form and the format. You can do as much time as you like without having to pause for commercials.
I’ve got a great eye for color. I’m like a chick.
I’m like John Q. Public. I represent what every guy wants and needs.
The main thing that I learned from my horrible job experiences was how horrible they were.
I could definitely see myself making a serious movie or a drama in the future.
When I say things that sound insane, like only the smartest million people should have the right to vote, well, I mean that.
I don’t think I’ve ever seen pie advertised. That’s how you know it’s good. They advertise ice cream and other desserts. They advertise the bejeezus out of yogurt, but I haven’t seen one pie commercial.
If you want to have a good life, you should focus on your family, on your business, on your dog, on your fun, and you’ll have a good life.
I’m not a Republican.
There are certain things women are better at than men.
The thing about a good podcast is you have to have a good host. If you don’t have a compelling host then you have nothing.
I like radio and live performing stuff. I don’t like the television stuff as much.
I think comedy has evolved like every art form, and people probably do less standing around and telling jokes, and more things that have to do with reality.
All’s the government should do is keep the taxes and regulations at a manageable rate, keep a decent standing army and get out of the way.
Of course on air I use occasional hyperbole to tell a story.
When you’re doing a radio show, you can express yourself.
I swear my car won’t run unless I’m picking my nose: At least, I’m that superstitious about it, so I don’t want to take any chances.
Well, guys are better at mechanical stuff and women are better at emotional stuff.
I don’t know anything about computers.
I’m a sort of nuts-and-bolts guy. I’m into turning wrenches and swinging a hammer and wrenching on cars.